Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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