either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
