Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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