i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Come see our sink grown plant.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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