Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
