I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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