so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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