fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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