I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
