you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
