Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
