By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
