Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
