dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
