Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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