I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
