She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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