The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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