Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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