I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
