Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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