The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
