my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
