I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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