Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
