I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
