Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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