My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
