Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize