My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
