so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
