Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
