My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
