She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
