I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
