Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize