3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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