textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
