I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
