oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
