I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize