I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
