Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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