I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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