I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize