Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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