He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
