she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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