Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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