Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
