Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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