I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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