It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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