guys are only as good as the porn they watch
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
