Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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