I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
