JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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