I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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