At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
