I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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