my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
