The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
