How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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