Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
