I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
